Thursday, January 29, 2009

Anxiety Strikes...

I realize that in the state I'm in (9 months pregnant), I should be doing nothing more at 5am than sleeping! Well, since about the 2nd month of my pregnancy, I have had something I could never imagine before I got pregnant...INSOMNIA! Not only do I wake up a million times a night to pee, when I do, I can't go back to sleep. It seems that Gage has other plans for me, and he is apparently trying to get practiced up to play Kickball with his friends! I'm telling you now, he's going to be a handful, and probably going to give Michael and I a run for our money! When I woke up earlier I couldn't help but start thinking about what is about to happen in my life. I am only weeks away from embarking on the journey we all like to call...Parenthood! I have shared this wonderful time in my life with several friends who are also pregnant, and for the most part only a few weeks further along than me. Three of the them have had their babies (as of yesterday) and now there are only two of us left. When I went to the hospital last night to visit Paige, I realized that my time was coming, and coming fast! For the next 5 weeks...or less...I will spend the majority of my time wondering if this will be the day! Honestly, I cannot wait! I feel like I have waited so long to see his little face and I still have so long until I do! I know that 5 weeks is only a short time, but if you are a mother, you understand how I'm feeling! Will it ever get here? As I laid in bed earlier, watching the ceiling fan spin, I started thinking about the next few weeks. How will it happen? When will be the day? Who will be there when he's born? Will it be everything I hope it will be? Although I can't answer any of these questions now, I wish I could.

I think about what kind of mother I will be, and I find myself hoping that I will be the same kind of mother that Mom has been to me. How could anyone possibly be any better? I see families every day that haven't been so blessed, and it breaks my heart for them. Never one time in my life have I ever doubted my mother's love for me and I can only pray that I will have the same effect on my children. I know Gage is going to love MeMe with all his heart and I am so thankful for her!

I think about how I can't wait to see Michael be a Daddy! There aren't enough words to express how lucky I am to have such a WONDERFUL man to spend my life with! I thank God every day for the way his parents raised him to be the man he is! I will forever be thankful for both of them! I remember when I met Michael (we were only friends at this point, and I mean best friends) I would go to his house every day and as the night went on, we always ended up in the garage talking. His house was always full of people, but they were easily was way more important that we get all the world problems solved ;) Needless to say, we are still working on that! He told me one day that he had come to realize that he would probably never get married and have his own children, and that this was something he only wished he could change. I sat there that day with tears in my eyes thinking how sad it must be to have those feeling at such a young age. At the time he was about to turn 29, and I had just turned 22, and I never dreamed I would be sitting here today talking about how he is going to be as the father of my child. Obviously, neither did he. I think it is safe to say that God has a funny way of leading us to the one person He made for us, even if it is the last thing we expected. I know Michael is going to be such a wonderful Daddy, and I cannot wait to see it! I can't wait to see the look in his eyes the day Gage is born or the expression on his face the first time he gets to hold him! What a wonderful day it will be!!

At a young age I decided that one thing I wanted in life was to have children before any of my grandparents passed away. Not very often do I meet someone who is 24 years old and still has 5 living grandparents. I have 2 grandmothers, 2 grandfathers, and 1 Great Grandmother, all of which I am very close to! Last night my Dad called me to let me know that Granny Lou (my great grandmother) was not doing well, and I should probably make a point to got visit her. She has developed dementia and her mind isn't working the way it once did. I am absolutely heartbroken to know that her time is limited here and that she may not make it to meet her first born Great Great Grandchild. Although, if she does, Gage will be a 5th Generation and that isn't something you hear of everyday either. I know that Granny is ready to go Home, even though I can't stand the thought of life without her. She has been such an inspiration to me, and for that I cannot be more grateful! As for the other 4 grandparents, they are doing great, and waiting paitently on the arrival of their first born Great Grandchild! I have never seen anyone more excited about a baby than my Nana (my Mom's Mom). I have always been very close to her and we seem to have gotten much closer in the last 9 months. Hardly a day goes by that she doesn't call to check on me and make sure I'm still feeling well! I think she is anticipating me telling her "today is the day"! It won't be too long Nana...Love you!

*This is Granny Lou and I at my wedding in May! Isn't she such a sweet lady?

Now that I have sat at my computer for 2 hours too long, I think it is time for me to get snuggled back up in bed and try to get some rest! I think it is pretty safe to say that the "anxiety" everyone keeps telling me about has finally hit! I hope you haven't cried as many tears as I have, and if you have, I'm sorry! I'll try to make it a happier post next time around!


The Allens said...

I didn't think it was an unhappy post. I am 35 weeks and I have the exact same thoughts, so I related completely.

Laura Ann said...

Great post....Looks like we will be doing the same thing in about 5 weeks...having baby boys!

Your feelings are, oh so normal...and your sleepless nights will become more and more and the days slowly go by. I really think this is God's way of preparing us for the sleepless nights that are yet to come once those bundles of joy arrive. I went through the same thing 19 months ago when I had my daughter and am experiencing the same thing now.

Trust is all so worthwhile and so worth the wait. Being a parent is the most rewarding job in the WORLD.

Hang in there and try to get some rest today.

Jeremiah and Lindsey Kindy said...

This is such a sweet post. I had a tear fall down my face looking at your great granny's picture... she is a doll!

I have so many questions too, (if you can even call them questions) about Colson and the new baby! Ill have to share those with you later. Jeremiah and I laid in bed last night with no tv on and and no computer talking about 2 kids... we both shed a few tears and it is probley just something in our water that is making us nuts! Just think, all your questions are fixing to be a total blur and they obviously will all be answered.

Let me know when you need some help with laundry and ill come help ya or when you need a quick sitter! Auntie is ready for her "nephew" to be here!

I love you!

The Neipling's~Chad, Stephanie and Graham said...

What a wonderful post!!!

Amanda (McNeely) Vestal said...

Hey! I've never commented on your blog before, but girl, I think we have all felt this. This was a wonderful post. You are lucky to have such a strong support system. The one thing that I wish people would have told me more, is to relax and not worry---especially after the baby comes. My first few weeks of motherhood could have been so much better if I would have quit worrying about if I was doing everything "right". Good luck!